Darth Vader is Luke’s father (spoiler alert!)

I don’t go to many concerts, but oh, how many times I’ve wanted to write a variant of this brilliant letter upon leaving the movie theater. My particular curse is not the annoying music fan, but the Guy Who Narrates Everything That Happens in the Movie to his girlfriend/wife, a tragic woman who apparently is incapable of discerning for herself that yes, Batman is getting into the Batmobile, and yes, he is now driving through the streets of the city, which is of course Gotham City in case you’ve not paid any attention to anything Batman-related over the last few decades. And that guy wearing the scary scarecrow mask? That is in fact the Scarecrow, who you may recall was introduced to us several minutes ago in this very film.

Most recently I had the pleasure of sitting next to the Guy Who Loudly States Plot Spoilers Before They Happen, since it’s important that his wife/girlfriend (and the people sitting nearby) not be surprised by anything that happens in the movie. Fortunately the movie was Pirates of the Caribbean 3, the garbled narrative mess of which stripped spoilers of their usual movie-ruining power.

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2 Comments

  1. Brit says:

    You know what? Now they make a t-shirt for the Guy Who Loudly States Plot Spoilers Before They Happen.
    http://www.threadless.com/product/844/Spoilt#zoom

  2. joel says:

    Brit: that’s an awesome shirt.
    Andy: I told the “Guy Who Narrates Everything That Happens in the Movie to his girlfriend/wife” to stop talking midway through “Walk the Line”, and it worked nicely. The guy eventually left and as the woman was leaving once the movie was over she gave me the finger.
    Oh, and they were in their mid-50s or so. I weep for the past.

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