Pregnancy advice funnies

I try not to be a complainer but I’ve genuinely come to the conclusion that people put way too much pressure on pregnant women to constantly do the exact correct thing in every aspect of their lives–and particularly pregnant women put too much pressure on themselves. I actually saw one woman asking on a pregnancy message board asking if it was okay to sleep on her right side–she’d read that sleeping on your left side was best for the baby, and was worried sleeping on her other side might hurt it. I hate to think of some poor woman attempting to stay on one side only every night for nine months, particularly since something about my new body makes whichever side I’m lying on quite sore within half an hour or so.

That said, I am trying to play by the rules. But some of the rules are just a little funnier than others. First, two from the official pregnancy book given to be my my dr:

1. If you have a headache, it’s not worth the risk to take a pain reliever. For such minor pains, it’s much better to go out and take a walk.

First of all, I’d like to visit personally with the author of that sentence so I can give her some minor pain to think about. Second, telling someone with a headache to take a walk is like telling someone with pneumonia to watch a football game: it might or might not be a fun experience, but it has absolutely no effect on the underlying ailment.

Fortunately, my dr. said it was okay to take plain tylenol. And I have–one at a time–four or five times since getting pregnant.

2. Be sure to wash your hands thoroughly after petting your cat or handling any of its belongings.

This might be hard since my cats consider everything in our apartment, including me, to be their belonging. I do wash my hands an awful lot, but I’ve had 12 years to catch anything the cats might have to pass on to me, so I’m not terribly concerned about this one.

3. I must preface this one by saying this has no personal application to me in any way whatsoever, it just inspired some general thoughts, so no need to feel freaked out when you read it. If you still feel like it might be tmi, go ahead and stop reading. Andy wrote a new blog post about H.P. Lovecraft yesterday, you can read that instead if you like.

This one comes from a book about pregnancy for dads. It goes into raptures about how awesome the second trimester is: the second-trimester pregnant woman is supposed to be over nausea and hormonal emotionalness, and is also supposed to have an increased sex drive, and “she might not even be showing that much yet!”.

This, to me, seems to put an awful lot of pressure on the second-trimester mom. I have nothing to say about other factors, but I have to say that while I was remarkably even-tempered during my first trimester, I suddenly got absolutely smacked with hormonal flare-ups starting promptly in the fourth month. It’s quite alarming, for me anyway, one minute nothing’s wrong, then for ten minutes the sky comes crashing in, then suddenly I’m fine and am wondering why the heck I’m crying.

Now, regarding matters which have no personal application to me in any way. First, although she might not be “showing” much to outsiders (although on the other hand, she might: an actual dr. friend was astounded to realize, upon seeing me the other day, that at my current size I still have 4 months to go–thanks man), she herself probably feels like somebody made a Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade balloon version of her and transported her brain into it. I know I’ve been feeling like that since eight weeks. It’s a little difficult just navigating this skiff (“but ‘skiff’ is appropriate, right?”) from room to room, so I’m hoping the expectant fathers who read that book aren’t expecting too much.

There were some other funny pieces of advice but my pregnant brain isn’t remembering what they were right now. Which is another funny thing about pregnancy advice: who can even remember it all?

3,456 Responses to “Pregnancy advice funnies”

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