no apparent reason

happiness

They say ("they" being, for example, my mother) that one is responsible for one's own happiness. I found this difficult to believe for a couple of decades, but now realize that this is right, it’s just that being responsible for one’s own happiness is much more difficult that this simple declarative sentence makes it sound. Most people in this country live a lifestyle which is beyond the wildest dreams of the richest members of most societies in history. We have endless sources of amusement: movies, music, computers, games of all descriptions, travel, almost everything imaginable is within the grasp of most of us. Furthermore, we have thousands of years of intellectual and spiritual history in which to immerse ourselves, and the leisure time to do it. Also, despite those who argue that we are becoming more and more alienated from each other as the traditional family structure and neighborhood breaks down; in fact, we have not only been enabled to break free from unhealthy family and social settings, but have at the same time lots of new ways to stay in touch with loved ones who are far away (telephone, internet, old-fashioned mail, and so forth) and a myriad of ways to connect with new people (churches, political groups, work, volunteer settings, etc.). In addition, if it’s a meaningful role in the world we want, there are thousands of opportunities readily available to help other people, the environment, etc. not only in our own communities, but around the world. From a materialist point of view, if you have all this (as the vast majority of people in this country do) and still aren’t happy, then the problem must either be a cruel joke on the part of God or the universe to keep humans incapable of experiencing happiness; or the problem is you. Since there are plenty of examples of people throughout history who have been happy with much less than what we have, that leaves you. So, what exactly is our problem?

For some people, the problem is depression and mental illnesses for which they need to seek treatment, but that's not what I'm talking about here. The first thing I need to point out is that it’s pointless to tell people how they “should” feel. Emotions don’t work according to shoulds. So how is it possible to have all this and still not be happy? Since Valentine’s Day is a recent occurrence, let’s take the example of romantic relationships. So many people seem to think they will be happy once they have them; whereas it is a fact that most people who have them or have had them (meaning marriages) wish they didn’t. The thing about romantic relationships is that even though they are a very good thing, they are not the only thing; and furthermore, as they will sooner or later get around to telling you in church, they are not even the best thing. Before I got to know Andy, I was pretty cynical about romance, and held no particular hopes that a romantic relationship would solve my problems and make me happy. However, I did used to look for happiness in the wrong places, thinking that if things were only different, if I were prettier or wiser or better, that then I could be happy. If I hadn’t found a source of confidence in joy and contentment, and learned to be happy with myself and by myself, I could never have had the kind of relationship that we have. If I was depending on Andy for that constant flow of happy feelings that I thought I needed, not only would I not get that from him, because it is simply not possible for one human being to provide that for another (since we can’t live inside each other’s brains and have constant knowledge of passing emotional states and the ability to change them); but I would also be an emotional leech, demanding everything and offering nothing.

When you think that you are not happy because you don’t have this or that, you are right. You are right because nothing is ever enough—if you had the whole universe, it still wouldn’t be enough. My aforementioned lack of happiness had to do with the fact that everything that other people seemed so enthusiastic about seemed so pointless. What good does working hard and achieving things do? So I’d end up with more money and have a slightly bigger house and tv than some other people—so what? Why should I pour time and effort into relationships with other people, when they seem to cause more irritation and anger than anything else? Why should I exercise and try to be healthy—when so many people in the world are suffering, how do I justify spending all this time on myself and my meager little body? Yet how much good could I, just one person with such limited resources, do for anybody? And no matter what I do, in a few short years I’ll be dead, and what does any of it matter?

Well, it is all pointless, all the great things I mentioned above, unless its meaning comes from something beyond it and beyond us. Any great thing we can imagine can only make us happy for a while, until we get bored with it. When I became a Christian, I was rather apprehensive about the life before me; it sounded like a lot of stern duty and sacrifice, yet I knew it would be better than my life without Christ. In fact, I’ve discovered that not only do I now have an unfailing source of happiness (by which I don’t mean that I’m constantly happy, but that I have an underlying sense of joy, contentment, and confidence that this source won’t disappear) that can come only from God’s love and grace; but suddenly things that before seemed tedious are now meaningful, and things that before seemed interesting seem significant and important in all sorts of new ways. Peter’s injunction that whatever we find to do, we should do with all our hearts as to the glory of the Lord reminds me that no matter how tedious and insignificant the task I find myself doing might seem, if I do it for God, it’s meaningful, because God can use what I’m doing in ways I might not see or even be able to imagine. Furthermore, all that stuff that used to seem so pointless, like working hard, exercising, and so forth, now has meaning: I do it because it gives God new ways to use me as a stronger and more knowledgeable person. In turn, I’m rewarded by finding that indeed there is joy, more than I could have imagined and for much different reasons, in learning and understanding the world better, and in becoming a healthier person and a better worker.

I will wind this up by addressing the obvious question of how I know that all this God stuff is real, and that I haven’t made it up to make myself feel better. No scientific proof is possible for such things, but I will note that first of all, delusions have a way of not making their suffers better, happier, kinder, stronger people, at least not in the long run. Secondly, since God works through faith, ultimately it is not possible to prove that He exists or how He works. However, He has never yet overtaxed my faith in Him; rather, He has been much more faithful in responding to my prayers than I have in praying. When I started praying, I didn’t know to what God I was praying too and with no real concept of what life with God might be like, and as I’ve discovered, it is both much better and much different than I ever could have imagined.