Never look too closely at your phone bill. It will drive you mad. Here is what my phone bill looks like this month:
Economy Local Solution
[Hey, it has the word “economy” in it, so it must be a bargain, right? It’s local, we know that…and it’s a Solution! To…something… Officially the most overused word of the 90s, still meaning nothing well into the new century.]
-Call Plan Unlimited [Unlimited what? The Call? The Plan?]
-Caller Identification [So if I had a caller ID, I WOULD KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!]
-Calling Name Display [Wait a second…isn’t that the same thing as Caller Identification? What’s going on here?]
-Call Waiting [We don’t want it, we don’t use it, but they make us pay for it anyway.]
-Saver Pack 30 Plan [Whoa! In addition to the Economy Solution above, we also have a Saver Pack 30! Oh, the savings that have been Packed and Planned for our benefit!]
-LINE-BACKER (R) [Hmmm…I have no idea what this might be. But somehow, it gives me a strange sense of security…and it’s a Registered Trademark! These SBC folks are truly on top of things.]
[A friendly note follows:] By choosing Economy Local Solution (SM), you are saving $6.38 over the cost of the same services purchased separately. [Economical, indeed. What ever will I do with the $6.38 I have so cleverly saved over the individual prices…which are set by the phone company itself…hey, wait a minute!]
-Non-Published Service: $4.95 [It costs the phone company $59.40 per year to not publish our names in the phone directory. What back-breaking labor must that involve?]
-Federal Access Charge [I have accessed the Federation.]
-State Access Charge [Likewise, the State.]
Local, State and Federal Charges [My access to the Federation and State apparently does not exempt me from various Charges levied by the same.]
9-1-1 Emergency System [It looks different, with dashes between the numbers like that.]
Billed for Kent: .26 [Wow, a bargain, compared to say LINE-BACKER (R).]
Federal Universal Service Fee: .46 [For a mere 46 cents, the Universe now serves ME. At least, the Federated portion of the Universe. Who knew universal domination could be achieved so simply?]
On to the long-distance side of the page:
Hmmm…
Taxes and Surcharges comprises 3 lines, as follows:
-Federal Excise Tax [“Excise: 1. An internal tax levied on the manufacture, sale, or consumption of a commodity within a country. 2. Any of various taxes on privileges often assessed in the form of a license or fee.” Now you know.]
-State & Local Taxes
-Federal, State, and Local Surcharges [Ah yes, Surcharges; to be clearly distinguished from Taxes.]
It seems my Calling Plan includes something called Nationwide Instate, which costs me $5.95 per month. I think the name is designed to make us puzzle over how something can be Nationwide and Instate at the same time, thereby distracting us from the question of what exactly is costing us $5.95 per month.
Also, there is a Billing Option Fee, costing $2.99. I pay the phone company $3 for the privelege of, ah, paying the phone company. Sigh.