Ye Olde Staging Point

One of my favorite little weekend routines is reading the Sunday morning paper. Each Sunday morning, I bleerily stumble out of bed and drag in the bulging Sunday edition of the Muskegon Chronicle, drop it on the coffee table, and proceed to make my way systematically through its myriad sections. Like most people, I imagine, I have a set order for doing so: first check the comics (never mind that they're not all that funny), then look for the Best Buy insert to see what enticing goodies are on sale this week, then skip back to the front page headlines to make sure that I haven't missed any Major World Events such as the Apocalypse. And then, after I've spent a few minutes on each of these sections, I make my way inevitably to... the Editorial Page.

The Sunday morning editorial page is a much more interesting experience than the weekday editorial page, as the Sunday version covers a full two pages and has all sorts of extra room for those delightful little glimpses into the soul of America: letters to the editor. Each week, I bravely read through the two-dozen-odd letters submitted by earnest Americans to the editors of the Muskegon Chronicle. And after several years of reading said letters, I have come to realize that there are actually only about six types of people who write into small-town newspapers; and rare is the day that all six are not represented in some form on among the letters to the editor.

I've tried to identify these six types of letter-writers. Below, I've listed each type along with a sample quote and a brief overview of the psychological motivations that prompt them to write letters again and again to the newspaper editor.

1. The Outraged Subscriber
   Quote: "I've been a faithful reader for over twenty years, but after reading your biased, unprofessional, and hateful March 3 story on the library staffing problems, I am cancelling my subscription."
   Personality profile: You watched for years as the Chronicle has grown increasingly biased against the things you like, making a mockery out of the very concept of fair journalism. They never miss an opportunity to portray your favorite people/things/institutions in a bad light, and this is the last straw. You're leaving this sorry excuse for a paper, and you aren't looking back.
2. The Embittered Victim
   Quote: "To the person in the Wal-Mart line who stole my wallet on Thursday, you should be ashamed of yourself. I know you stole my wallet because I remember putting it down while I paid the cashier, and when I looked again it was gone. People like you make me weep for the state of this sorry world."
   Personality profile: You realized your wallet was missing when you got home from Wal-Mart on Thursday... and then you remembered the suspicious-looking person in line behind you who must have taken it when you were writing out the check for the cashier! How petty can you possibly get? They may have escaped the hand of legal justice, but they won't escape the pangs of conscience they'll suffer when they read your letter on the editorial page.
3. The Local Politicker
   Quote: "The Spring Lake city council is a hive of corruption, scandal, and greedy self-interest and is planning to sell out our beautiful town to their big bosses in Lansing. Do your duty and vote "yes" on the Recall Vote this Friday!"
   Personality profile: You don't know how that conniving creep swindled his way into the Spring Lake city council, but you aren't going to sit by while he sells out his community to those slimy lawyer-politicians in the state capitol! Election results be damned--you're fully behind this latest move to force a Recall Vote to get that con artist out of office, and your letter to the editor will open your fellow citizens' eyes to the evil that has tainted the heart of their city government.
4. The Self-Righteous Crusader
   Quote: "Our so-called "president" and his junta of fascists are dragging this country into ruin with their bloodthirsty war-for-oil schemes. Call your congressman today and tell them that you oppose the imperialistic butchering of innocent civilians just to line the pocketbooks of Big Business!"
   Personality profile: How can the people of this country be so blind? Is the Nazi-like evil of the current administration not clear to all? The people have got to know the truth: that the current administration is hellbent on stifling freedom of speech, destroying the environment, and murdering children--all just to make a quick buck. Your well-reasoned letter to the editor will open the eyes of your fellow Muskegon residents!
5. The Insane Rambler
   Quote: "We are so great we need our own rock and roll band! This whole thing, this movement, this surge, this awakening and renaissance, this wanting our future to be a certain way. This is the wave! Catch the wave!" [actual quote from a letter in today's paper]
   Personality profile: The ideas! You've got so many of them that it's sometimes hard to sort them all out, especially with those voices always murmuring in the back of your head. And to think they said you were crazy. Crazy, can you believe it? You've been writing letters to the editor almost daily for over fifteen years now and you know your ideas are appreciated. They can call you what they like, but you're going to continue sharing your insights with the readers of the Chronicle as long as they keep printing your letters.
6. The Civic Do-Gooder
   Quote: "I'd like to thank the ladies of the First Presbyterian Church for their wonderful food drive program over the holiday season. You did a great job. And I'd like to thank the Chronicle for the wonderful front page story about the food drive."
   Personality profile: Of all the letter-writers whose work appears on the editorial page, you have the best heart. When people do good in this sorry world, they ought to be recognized for it. While most readers of the Chronicle don't know about the sacrifices the First Presbyterian ladies made for that food drive, you're going to step right up to the plate and let everyone know about it. Maybe your letter will inspire others to do good as well.

There are probably other types out there writing letters to the editor, but the above six seem to account for at least 90% of the missives that appear on my local paper's editorial page. While I'm not much of a letter-writer myself, I do have a certain appreciation for the zeal that prompts everday Americans to sit down and pen such heartfelt messages--messages too important not to be read by the entire local community. Way to go, my fellow Americans.