NINJA!

We all know that ninjas are pretty awesome. But have you ever wondered exactly how awesome your ninja actually is? If you yourself are a ninja, this is much more than an academic question. Use this handy guide to calculate the awesomeness of any ninja. You begin with zero points and add relevant points as indicated by the chart.
Ninja:

  • is male: +1
  • is female: +6
  • has black, white, blue, or red ninja costume: +2
  • has ninja costume of other color: -1
  • is also a cyborg: +5
  • has more than 75 shuriken concealed in costume: +1
  • wields a katana: +1
       –katana cries out for the blood of foes: +1
       –katana cannot be sheathed until blood is drawn: +1
       –katana can cut people in half, but they don’t know they’re dead until the ninja stomps on the ground and their torso slides away from the rest of their body: +3
       –katana can slice through gun barrels and tank armor: +2
       –wields more than one katana: +1 per additional katana

  • has sworn blood vengeance against someone: +2
  • is an anthropomorphic animal: -2
  • is only visible as a blur of motion when leaping around: +2
  • wields nunchaku: +2 per nunchaku
  • knows nothing of good or evil–only the Way of the Warrior: +2
  • can battle multiple enemy henchmen at the same time: +1 per 15 henchmen
  • can kill people just by touching them: +4
  • can kill people without touching them: +4
  • leads a life of non-violence: -12
  • can be convinced to emerge from retirement to cut one last swath of bloody vengeance through the ranks of foes: +3
  • trained under the same mystical martial-arts master that his/her nemesis did: +3
  • is seeking revenge for murder of his/her master: +2
  • can run around on walls and/or ceilings: +1
  • can shoot fireballs: +2
  • dialogue:
       –no dialogue; ninja never speaks: +3
       –consists of poorly-translated subtitles: +2
       –is dubbed by lackluster English voiceover: +2
       –is spoken in fractured “Engrish”: +4

  • has total control over body systems and reflexes: +1
       –can feign death for long periods of time: +1
       –can breathe underwater for long periods of time: +1
       –feels no pain: +3

  • can catch arrows in midair: +2
  • is the last surviving member of his/her ninja clan: +2
  • What other items should be added to the list? And most importantly… how does your ninja rank in terms of awesomeness?

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    10 thoughts on “NINJA!

    1. joel boonstra

      In addition to this:
      * is male: +1
      * is female: +6
      Add:
      — everyone thinks you’re male, until after kicking everyone’s ass you take your mask off and shake out your hair to reveal you’re female: +4 (in addition to +6 for being female)

    2. joel boonstra

      To this:
      * is the last surviving member of his/her ninja clan: +2
      add:
      –but finds young rebellious yet bright protege who takes up the mantle of ninja clan: +2

    3. jrau

      No particular movie, Topher–I just happened to be reflecting on the awesomeness of ninjas.
      The last ninja-type movie I’ve seen in Kill Bill. Before that… I don’t know. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a good one. Legend of Drunken Master, perhaps?

    4. Polytropos

      Blogreading

      A mix of aging links and stuff from today, crammed together in order to clear the buffer: Slacktivist works up a righteous rage fuming about the aesthetic contributions of the evangelical subculture. Splendid as always. A taste: The evangelical subcult…

    5. Dave

      – Holds “spitting needles” under tongue for surprise attacks: +1
      – Above needles are coated in a deadly poison ninja has spent years building up a resistance to: +2
      – Above needles are coated in a deadly poison ninja has NOT spent years building up a resistance to: -10, ninja is dead

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