Thessaly's Tooth

Never look too closely at your phone bill. It will drive you mad. Here is what my phone bill looks like this month:
Economy Local Solution
[Hey, it has the word “economy” in it, so it must be a bargain, right? It’s local, we know that…and it’s a Solution! To…something… Officially the most overused word of the 90s, still meaning nothing well into the new century.]
-Call Plan Unlimited [Unlimited what? The Call? The Plan?]
-Caller Identification [So if I had a caller ID, I WOULD KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!]
-Calling Name Display [Wait a second…isn’t that the same thing as Caller Identification? What’s going on here?]
-Call Waiting [We don’t want it, we don’t use it, but they make us pay for it anyway.]
-Saver Pack 30 Plan [Whoa! In addition to the Economy Solution above, we also have a Saver Pack 30! Oh, the savings that have been Packed and Planned for our benefit!]
-LINE-BACKER (R) [Hmmm…I have no idea what this might be. But somehow, it gives me a strange sense of security…and it’s a Registered Trademark! These SBC folks are truly on top of things.]
[A friendly note follows:] By choosing Economy Local Solution (SM), you are saving $6.38 over the cost of the same services purchased separately. [Economical, indeed. What ever will I do with the $6.38 I have so cleverly saved over the individual prices…which are set by the phone company itself…hey, wait a minute!]
-Non-Published Service: $4.95 [It costs the phone company $59.40 per year to not publish our names in the phone directory. What back-breaking labor must that involve?]
-Federal Access Charge [I have accessed the Federation.]
-State Access Charge [Likewise, the State.]
Local, State and Federal Charges [My access to the Federation and State apparently does not exempt me from various Charges levied by the same.]
9-1-1 Emergency System [It looks different, with dashes between the numbers like that.]
Billed for Kent: .26 [Wow, a bargain, compared to say LINE-BACKER (R).]
Federal Universal Service Fee: .46 [For a mere 46 cents, the Universe now serves ME. At least, the Federated portion of the Universe. Who knew universal domination could be achieved so simply?]
On to the long-distance side of the page:
Hmmm…
Taxes and Surcharges comprises 3 lines, as follows:
-Federal Excise Tax [“Excise: 1. An internal tax levied on the manufacture, sale, or consumption of a commodity within a country. 2. Any of various taxes on privileges often assessed in the form of a license or fee.” Now you know.]
-State & Local Taxes
-Federal, State, and Local Surcharges [Ah yes, Surcharges; to be clearly distinguished from Taxes.]
It seems my Calling Plan includes something called Nationwide Instate, which costs me $5.95 per month. I think the name is designed to make us puzzle over how something can be Nationwide and Instate at the same time, thereby distracting us from the question of what exactly is costing us $5.95 per month.
Also, there is a Billing Option Fee, costing $2.99. I pay the phone company $3 for the privelege of, ah, paying the phone company. Sigh.

It is impossible to overuse the word “poseur.”
Go ahead, prove me wrong.

When I saw Russ’ was advertising a new low-carb menu, I decided that this trend has officially gone way too far. I read a book a while back (called Eat, Drink, and Be Healthy: The Harvard Medical School Guide to Healthy Eating) which said that one reason that the food pyramid emphasizes eating low-fat foods, rather than distinguishing between healthy and unhealthy fats, is because the people who made it thought that Americans were too dumb to understand that concept.
At first I was annoyed, the concept didn’t seem too difficult to me. I thought Americans could hack it. But now I’m beginning to worry that not only can Americans not grasp the idea of different kinds of fats, they are only able to focus on one nutrient at a time. The prevailing mode of dieting over the last 2.5 decades seems to have been to cut out one of the three basic nutrients (protein, fat, and carbohydrates). In last couple of decades everyone tried to eliminate fat, now it’s carbs. Simple indeed, but not very healthy.
I liked the above-mentioned book because it admits that we don’t really know much about what foods are healthy because it requires long-term studies to determine lifelong health effects of different types of diets, which are only now starting to be available. Also, it says that many of my favorite foods are good for me after all. However, many of the recipes included in the book don’t sound particularly appetizing (asparagus, tofu, shiitake, and cashew stir-fry), and call for ingredients that normal people can’t afford, and don’t know where to shop for. Ah well, can’t have everything.

but they just won’t go away. I learned of a fiendish new wrinkle on the tax thing recently: city income taxes. I’d never heard of such a thing before. Why would a city do this to its inhabitants? This in itself is a good reason to move away, or not move to the city in the first place.
Also, the Michigan tax return is the most complex and irritating of the 3 state returns I’ve filled out over the years. It was more complex than the federal return. We had to include 3 supplementary schedules with the return, for the same information that Illinois managed to cope with in one short return plus a reasonably comprehensible partial-year resident schedule.
Somewhat disturbing is that many questionable points about taxes don’t have very clear-cut instructions–it seems to be open to interpretation, so no matter what you decide to do the IRS could potentially take exception to it. Very subtle.
Complaining aside, ours are almost done. At least it gave me something to do while I wait to find out where this school thing is going.

In further Anne news, I watched the third installment of the Anne of Green Gables Movies, “The Continuing Story.” It has nothing to do with the books, and my opinion is that they should have left the fan fiction to the fan websites. The story didn’t make much sense, and everybody seemed old and depressed, even before they all went off to war.
I’ve been very lazy this week. I’m trying to decide what to do next–I need to look for a job, but I might be away for a month and a half this summer, so am not sure if I should wait until after that to look for one, or what. I’m also not sure what kind of job to look for, a throwaway one or one that has some sort of future. I’m kind of in suspense to see how the exams of last week went, which will affect the decision, but I probably won’t find out for a few more weeks.
Today I put some pictures in an album–some engagement ones, a few wedding ones, and the honeymoon pictures of Colorado. I want to make a scrapbook type one for the wedding, but just put these in the magnetic-flap pages for now–those things are so annoying, almost impossible to get flat. I’ve also been working my way through more Agatha Christie mysteries and taking various naps.

I’m back from exams. They were okay. I was planning on writing more about them, but internet access was kind of scarce last week (maybe that’s among the many improvements being made to I-House).
I haven’t done much since I’ve been back–have mostly been lazing around. Have also been re-reading some cozy books, Agatha Christie mysteries and the like. I

I’m in Chicago for the week, taking comprehensive exams–one exam per day. I won’t say this hasn’t had an effect on my mental state. For a while during the drive here yesterday, I started doubting the existence of Libya. I’m not sure why.
I’m staying at the International House on campus, a sort of dormitory for graduate students from other countries as well as this. They were going to tear it down due to its incredibly antiquated infrastructure (do buildings have infrastructures?) but there was an outcry amongst the students so they’re doing massive renovations instead. The place is an odd combination of characteristics–it’s very instutional, but 1930s institutional; and it’s clear not much has changed since then (when it was built). The lighting throughtout the building is rather oppressive. It’s somehow simultaneously dim and harsh, and yellowish; kind of like the lights in underground parking garages. Amongst the usual dormitory-like fixtures are scattered massive pieces of antique furniture. I think it would be an okay place to live, as dorms go, and it certainly gives an accurate impression of what the U of C is like as a whole (at least the simultaneously gloomy and harsh part. I’m not bitter).

The bulbs in our garden are coming up! So even though there was snow on the ground this morning, and it’s gray, cold, windy, and murky out, it’s officially Spring!

[Warning: This blog entry showcases an unattractive side of my personality, so if you are eager to maintain your good opinion of me, please skip. If you never cared for me much to begin with, however, go ahead and read on.]
An open letter to all persons who may at some point wish to sell me something:
I have nothing against salespeople, really. Nor do I have anything against most of the products they sell. Yet most of my encounters with salespeople, or sales tactics in general, have inspired in me the desire never to have anything to do with that person, product, or company, ever again; in addition they have caused me to wish that I never had to buy anything ever again. Now, I assume that sales practices are intended to appeal the broadest possible segment of the population; yet when I have discussed the following practices with people, they tend to agree with me. Perhaps my acquaintances and I are exceptional, but perhaps not. In any case, here are some requests I would make of all those who wish to sell things to me.

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Andy recently re-introduced me to this childhood taste-treat. I, like everybody else who grew up in the 70s, consumed my share of Franco-American’s canned offerings, but I hadn’t had any for a solid couple of decades. Andy insisted that they were good though, and they are extremely tasty, I must say.
However, today I made the mistake of looking too closely at the can which packaged my delicious lunch. This reminded me that the many advertising images which bombard us from every direction every day are not designed to be looked at too closely. If one does, one discovers that not only do such images have no internal sense or logic, but they also seem to hack at the very foundations of one’s sense of order and reality. I think this goes to show that the countercultural 60s hippies have not given up their psychadelic expand-your-consciousness ethos, rather they are now firmly in control of corporate America.
The can depicts a large Spaghetti-O, with eyes and a tongue, the latter apparently licking its “lips.” It wields a bowl filled with proportionately smaller Spaghetti-O’s in one hand, while the other arm is flexed to exhibit a protruding muscle. “Eat my family, and you too can be as strong as a Spaghetti-O!” it seems to coax, in a simultaneously ghoulish, whimsical, and nonsensical fashion.
The can’s label also wastes a lot of space trying to convince me that Spaghetti-Os are, in fact, incredibly nutritious. “GOOD SOURCE OF PROTEIN! ESSENTIAL VITAMINS AND MINERALS!” it proclaims, in a wacky font (punctuation mine). Elsewhere, it informs me that Spaghetti-Os provide a full serving of Veggies & Grains.
What’s this? As a further proof of the eminent goodness of Spaghetti-Os, the label announces that Spaghetti-Os is the winner of the 2003 Gold Taste (award? it doesn’t say) of the Quality Institute International, for Canned Pasta.
It no doubt took a highly-paid team of advertising executives to put together this label. It probably cost Franco-American more money than I will earn in my entire life, yet it is clearly meant to be no more than glanced at. Ah yes, the product’s name (Spaghetti-Os) reinforced by the image of a Spaghetti-O, with the vague impression that eating this stuff won’t kill you, at least not immediately.
My in-depth perusal of the Spaghetti-Os can has left me with mixed feelings about my lunch. It makes me feel vaguely cannibalistic, and ironically the many reassurances that the product is indeed good for me serve to underscore, for me, the fact that it actually probably isn’t very.
For more Spaghetti-O info and trippy Spaghetti-O-inspired imagery, visit www.spaghettios.com. But only if you are a Mom, since it seems that that is the socio-familial class to whom the site appears to address itself. Which opens up still more possibilities for pointless overanalysis.